The New York Times was one of the main sources of world news we had in the Convent, and rightly so as we were nestled into the Irish-Italian neighborhood of the Bronx, two blocks from the Hudson overlooking the vastness of the Big Apple.
With a sparkle of hope in her eyes, our Postulant Directress laid the headlined paper to rest and said with such assurance, “We’re all just doing our lousy best,” and moved on with a smile.
This phrase, ‘doing our lousy best,’ came out of her mouth so often, I started to think she was trying to convince herself that something (or someone) was ACTUALLY doing his or her lousy best. And, why not the absolute best, very best, personal best… I mean there are so many other ways to say someone is doing their best rather than “lousy.” So, I dove into this a little bit.
NOTE: If you don’t know what a Postulant Directress is, there’s another post coming about that. For now, the best description of this is to imagine a mother goose nun with her little fuzzy nun goslings, just working on getting their footing. Imagine that I am one of those little goslings, and she is the mother goose.
What does ‘lousy’ actually mean?
Honestly, it is pretty bleak. Merriam-Webster defines it as “totally disgusting, of poor quality, contemptible.” Yikes. But we know that “best” means the first, priority, above all others, etc. So ensues confusion of this paradoxical phrase.
I want to begin with this – my Directress used and intended this phrase to elevate the other/the situation rather than tear down. I don’t know for certain if she ever struggled with perfectionism, but what I do know is that she is someone living in her authentic self, accepting her own flaws and those of others.
With that I mind, can we realize that ‘doing our lousy best’ is a descriptor of the human condition, and that all of us are doing the best we can with what we are given? The truth is life is not perfect, we are not perfect, and we really never will be in the ways we so eagerly desire. Our lives are so vulnerable and precious – I personally see this so clearly in a wonderful chunky-cheeked baby.
Typically, as a human race we will do anything in our power to preserve our precious pearl of life. But, what if we don’t? What If we want to throw it away? What if our reality is just not what we want it to be, or our suffering seems too unbearable for any good to come from it? What if our own mind feels like it is not a safe space for us to exist? What if our days are exclusively ‘lousy’ and there is no ‘best’ in sight?
Well, I can say frankly that I hear you, I’ve been there, and you’re not alone. I recently hit a personal rock bottom after years and years of trying to control my life, image, weight, performance, etc. And the thing is, I felt I was decently good at it. However, I don’t think anyone in my life would classify me as a “perfectionist,” and honestly on paper I could agree with them.
Did I get a great scholarship to the best university in the country? Nope. I didn’t graduate with the top scores in the most prestigious major. I didn’t excel in my first job after college or have a successful romantic relationship. I even ‘failed’ at being a nun and discerning what I thought was the perfect next step. I failed at my next job after that, and the next one, and again was let go in a tough situation with the next one. So, yeah, I would say that on paper I am a pretty big non-perfect failure out here in this world. But, read on.
Next Stop: Paralyzing Perfectionism
How was I acting as a result? Not as a ‘typical’ perfectionist as you may be thinking – you know, everything in mint condition, always on time, etc. I usually would hide behind facades of various kinds, not letting my true voice or any weaknesses be heard/seen lest I be unloved. Truth be told, I couldn’t tell you what I actually thought about much of anything, just in case someone else disagreed and would reject me or see that I was not ‘just right.’
Usually, I procrastinated to the last minute on almost everything, because, hey, it’s not the picture-perfect outcome I expect of myself, after all, I just started last night! Now I have an excuse for why my paper isn’t an A+. Do I have a million different ideas on how to create something awesome with my creativity, but never do it? Yes, because of the paralyzing reality that I might fail, I might be seen failing, and then I will be faced with the fact I am not perfect – thus I am unlovable.
The irony is that no one enjoys a façade of a person, and no one enjoys always putting on a show. So, the very thing I was hoping for as a result of my perfection – love – was the very thing that I was unable to receive, give to myself, or to others freely.
Daring Greatly
In her 2012 book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown lays out her definition of perfectionism based on her research on vulnerability and shame. Here’s what she came up with:
- “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame”
- “Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because perfection doesn’t exist. It’s an unattainable goal. Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying.”
- “Perfection is addictive, because when we invariably do experience shame, judgement, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right.”
- “Perfectionism actually sets us up to feel shame, judgement, and blame, which then leads to more shame and self-blame: ‘It’s my fault. I’m feeling this way because I’m not good enough.’”
Dare to be Good Enough?
So, have you ever felt not good enough? I would bet the farm that you have. Maybe your tactic to avoid vulnerability is different than perfectionism, but I am positive that the feeling of ‘not enough’ is a human experience. I think this is exactly the place where our ‘lousy best’ can enter the scene and allow us to take off these masks to transcend the grind of life.
Let’s start with answering the question of what ‘doing our lousy best’ is not. It is not:
- A silly mantra to make ourselves feel better about not measuring up
- A dig at ourselves or anyone else, especially on the basis of performance, goodness, or worthiness
- A sarcastic pass or an excuse to roll our eyes
- A self-pity party so we can continue to mask ourselves and our experience of being not enough
Great. I bet you can come up with more things as this is not exhaustive.
Okay, so what IS doing our lousy best?!
- A chant of the freedom of heart that we ARE enough
- Facing new challenges without letting fear cripple our spirit or drive
- The gift of mercy for ourselves and for others
- Not taking ourselves too seriously
- An acknowledgement of the reality that I am not perfect, and neither are you 😊
So… Now What?
I don’t know you, but since you’re on my blog and reading this post, I know we share the desire to live a good, beautiful life that is not plagued by perfectionistic tendencies. Join me on the journey so that together, we can lean into a life where it is normal to celebrate the little things, create beautiful memories, and rejoice in the truth.
How am I breaking out of this perfectionist trap and living in my ‘Wholeheartedness’ as Brene Brown calls it?
- Walking every day
- Putting on an outfit I enjoy each morning
- Counseling/Spiritual Direction
- Prayer
- Creative projects
- Talking openly with my husband and close friends
- Homemaking
- Listening to helpful podcasts (like The Mel Robbins Podcast, love her.)
Above all else, GRATITUDE for my life, the people in it, and the reality of my current happenings.
It may be too simplistic, and I can agree with that. Acknowledging that my lousy best is good enough is working for me, and I think it can work for you, too.
Have some better ideas? Great! I’m not perfect 🙂 I would love to hear how you are doing your lousy best to transcend the grind! How have you learned to give yourself some grace? What are some ways you are loving the incredible person that you are? Can’t wait to talk soon!